Friday, October 14, 2016

My Side of the Story

Throughout this whole ordeal known as my life, I’ve noticed quite a few people who think they know who I am as a person. After what happened to me last year, I had many people come through for me but then there were some who thought they knew what happened to me. So I’m here to tell my side of the story and before I begin, I’m going to warn you it might be sensitive to some of you guys but I want to get my side across. I don’t want people to assume that they know what happened to me simply because they heard it throughout the grapevine. So here goes….

Everything started February of 2014, when my Uncle/ Godfather passed away. His death hit me harder then I ever expected.  I didn’t have the closest relationship with him but knowing that he was alone when he passed hurt me more than I’ll ever say.  He was just 38 years old. I wish I had gotten the opportunity to have known him better but I was so wrapped up in my own life to take notice of his.

 Throughout that year, I acted somewhat erratic. My moods would swing up and down frequently with no known reason. In April of that year, I was on vacation with some friends when I completely lost it. Some of it could be explained that I was homesick but I honestly was still reeling from my Uncle’s death.

My mood was still shoty as the year came to a close but nothing too substantial happened that would get me into trouble. That is until February of 2015 happened.  My stress levels were through the roof and I would come home from work filled with unneeded anxiety. A lot of changes were occurring at my job. People were coming and going and I wasn’t fully ready for it. I got myself into a situation with two female coworkers and was constantly in the office for saying something I shouldn’t have said. Everything was causing me stress and I didn’t know how to control it. The women weren't necessarily making it any easier, so I asked if I could transfer off of the front end to avoid the drama and start fresh.

Everything was going okay, not great but okay. I was still struggling with my mental health and basically refused to believe that anything was the matter with me.  I had some bad days that was all. I refused to believe that I had anxiety or depression. I didn’t want to feel abnormal or weird. 

Things were relatively quiet until June when I started seeing someone. I had no intention at all in dating this person but I thought maybe if I gave it a try, things might blossom into something but I was definitely wrong.  I should have seen the signs right away but I wanted to make the relationship work, that I just basically brushed his odd behavior under the rug. His controlling behavior was often ignored until  he started telling me I wasn’t permitted to cut my hair short or go away with my friends to New Jersey for the weekend. I initially didn’t pay attention to the fact that he was already planning something for my birthday in August. He said he wanted to take me New York City to see a Broadway show.  His Mother started saying I could move in with them and the two of them started talking about marriage. Mind you, I only was dating him for a couple of days at this time. Everything moved so fast, I barely could keep track of what was going on outside of the relationship.  My relationship with my Mom started to get strained because I would be spending all of my time with him, and when she needed me I wasn’t around. 

It hit me after two weeks of dating him; I needed to break up with him. It wasn’t healthy how he was treating me and I needed to get out ASAP.  A week later I thought all right I’m going to do this, I’m going to break up with him but it never happened that week.

On July 12th 2015, after his brothers and sisters made us dinner he took me down to his room where he raped me. I repeatedly told him not tonight, not tonight but he completely ignored me. After it happened I was in a complete daze, it felt like I was deliberately blocking it from my memory. 

It wasn’t until a couple of days later that I told my Mom what had happened. Since I kept telling myself that “I wanted it”, even though I said no, it was my Mom who finally hit me with the truth.  I broke down.

I ended up being sick the week after it happened and would find every excuse for him to not come over to see me. Luckily, he ended up not coming. Before I came to back to work, I texted him and told him it was over. I needed to focus on myself and I couldn’t be with him. He was distraught as I expected.

When I returned back to work, he ended up following me everywhere I went. He wouldn’t stop texting me over and over until I finally blocked him.  I couldn’t hold it in anymore and ran to one of my friends and told them what happened to me. I was scared for my life.  The harassment didn’t go away until I went to management and was asked if I had instigated it.

That’s when they told me they weren’t going to transfer him out but I did have the option to do so if I wanted to. I initially said no because I loved the people I worked with but seeing that I would have to see my rapist everyday prompted me to transfer out.

My last day was bittersweet. I honestly didn’t want to leave but felt I had no other choice. My Dad came to pick me up and in the parking lot is where I told him what happened to me. He flew into a rage and drove right beside him and threatened him. I was in tears the entire time.

Moments after getting home, I get a call from the police.  They told me that he had called the cops because my Dad was harassing him and at that point I went and told the cop what happened to me, and why my Dad did what he did.

Right now, the case is ongoing and therefore I can’t really discuss what’s going on but I’m hoping and praying everything works out and he gets what he deserves. No one deserves to be treated the way I was treated.

I know I’m responsible for how my behavior has been and I’ve been working diligently in changing it. I still have many days that I think about what happened to me and I completely lose it but then I remember how incredibly lucky I am that got out of that situation and how lucky I am to have such a supportive group of people in my life. I will pull through this stronger than I ever was before. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Oh Hello Again

So I haven't blogged on here for a couple of years now and to be completely honest I didn't really miss it all that much. There would be a time here and there that I would think "gosh wouldn't it be great to write something on my blog!" but then I just drop the idea. I wanted to write about something that is very important to me and I haven't completely told everyone about. I have depression and anxiety and literally every day is a battle with myself (even on medications, it can still be a struggle!) Nearly a year ago an incident happened to me that triggered my depression and anxiety into a further tailspin. Most days I'm fine but then I think of what happened to me and I'm right back at square one. The reason I'm writing this now is because I want everyone out there who is struggling with ANY mental health issue to know it will be okay. Now I can't promise that you'll be happy go lucky every single day of your life once your diagnosed but you will feel better knowing it and you are definitely not alone in this fight.

I first realized I was depressed when I was being home-schooled from the 6th grade onto 12th. As much as I appreciated being home-schooled, it also put a huge dent in my life. I was secluded from socializing with the outside world and when I finally did do it I began to panic and freak out. "There is no way these people like me! I'm not like them! I'll never fit in!" These thoughts would constantly run through my head as a teenager and also it didn't help that I have ADD. 

So as you can imagine I really knocked myself down for pretty much everything. I didn't fully acknowledge that I was struggling with depression or anxiety until a couple of years back, when I was a teenager I was at a Cracker Barrel with my family and all of a sudden I went into a panic and started crying. I honestly thought a couple of teenagers were talking about me and went into a frenzy. That was my first and definitely not my last panic attack. I've had quite a few since then but it isn't about how many I've had but how I can deal with the situation when I'm having the panic attack. I've actually gotten much better. Last month I was doing the MS walk with my Mom and almost had one when I saw my old manager but I contained the attack and walked away from having it. 

Another huge downside to having depression is I have said a lot of hurtful and dumb things to people I care about. I've damaged friendships over my selfish remarks and for that I'm truly sorry to anyone and everyone that I've ever hurt. I shouldn't have treated anyone the way I have. I really have that insert foot in mouth issue. I can't and won't let my depression and anxiety create rifts between my family and friends any longer. Yes I get upset and angry more than the average person but I can and will beat the negativity and grow from it. 

The purpose of this post is let everyone out there struggling that it is okay I promise. I have often thought of giving up and just ending it all. I can happily say those thoughts are gone but there will be days where I feel like giving up could be an option and I'll tell myself HELL NO! KEEP FIGHTING!!! 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The 25 Challenge

    Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't written my favorite actresses post yet but I will do it as soon as I get the chance to. (I know my word isn't very good but I really do promise to get it out there!)  Anywhoo.... I've decided to challenge myself. Challenge myself you ask? Ha Yes! I'm going to try things that I normally wouldn't do. I think it's time to get out of my comfort zone and really experience different things in my life. If you would like to join in on the fun go right ahead! The more the merrier! After my birthday (I turned 25 on the 10th! Eeek!) I decided I couldn’t keep putting myself in the safe zone because then I could really be missing out on some great opportunities in my life. Yes as you can guess by the title of the blog post there will be 25 challenges for me to complete! I'll just do a few at a time so I don't overwhelm myself. (If you choose to do the challenge, you don't have to do 25. You can do as much or as little as you want. It's all up to you!)

        My first challenge for myself was really (!!) dressing up. Yes I did it!! I thought I would feel self-conscious about wearing a dress and high heels but I felt so comfortable with myself. I'm definitely going to be wearing dresses more often. I really embraced the new experience and for someone who was always very insecure about her looks it definitely helped me feel comfortable in my own skin. 

I've given myself a list of challenges to do that I hope to do by the end of the year. Even if I don't finish the challenges, as long as I'm in the midst of doing them then it counts. Here are just a few of the things I'm hoping to accomplish!

*Getting my Driver's License (Yes I know! I'm 25 and I don't have a license. There really is no excuse except for being scared but I can't allow the fear to hold me back anymore! Wish me luck!)

*Swimming (Yes another one I'm scared of! Haha no more!)

*Fencing (I’m going to start taking fencing classes next month! Aaaah how exciting is that!!)

I'll be posting my challenges on my instagram page if you all want to check how I'm doing and I really will try to post on here as much as I can. I really really will try!! 

I can't keep allowing my life to pass me by. It's time to embrace new beginnings in my life! 

Monday, July 7, 2014

Here are a few of my favorite things... PART TWO My Ten Favorite Actors

  Seriously I hate not having my own computer because if I had one I would be blogging sooooooo much more. I hate that haven't blogged in over a month but I guess it is what it is. Haha

  So as I've gotten older my taste in everything has changed from movies, to actors, to even directors. I know I've done a Top Ten Favorite Actors list twice( you check it out here and here) before but like I said before I've matured in what I like so without further ado here is my list. Enjoy!

Jeffrey Lynn

I literally just wrote about how much I've changed in taste but Jeffrey Lynn hasn't dropped from my favorites. I've enjoyed every movie of his regardless of how inane the plot of the movie is. It's been over 5 years since I "discovered" him and I don't regret it one bit.

                                                      Favorite Movies:
                                                     My Four Daughters
                                                     My Love Came Back
                                                     The Roaring Twenties

Robert Cummings

Favorite Movies:
The Devil and Miss Jones
Moon Over Miami
It Started with Eve

Cary Grant

Favorite Movies: 
Gunga Din
Mr. Blandings Builds his Dream House

Melvyn Douglas

Favorite Movies:
Too Many Husbands
There's Always a Woman
Theodora Goes Wild

William Prince

Favorite Movies:
Cinderella Jones
Destination Tokyo
Objective Burma!
Pillow to Post

Dana Andrews

Favorite Movies:
State Fair
The Best Years of Our Lives
The Ox-Bow Incident 

Joseph Cotten

Favorite Movies: 
Shadow of a Doubt
The Abominable Dr. Phibes
Citizen Kane

Jack Lemmon

Favorite Movies:
It Should Happen to You
Some like it Hot
Three for the Show
Under the Yum Yum Tree

Fred Astaire

Favorite Movies:
Top Hat
Easter Parade
Swing Time
Shall We Dance
Damsel in Distress

*It was really hard to choose between Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly but I decided to go with Fred on this one. I still have a soft spot for Gene though. :) 

Ray Milland

 Favorite Movies:
Easy Living 
Beau Geste
The Major and the Minor 
Dial M for Murder

That was way harder to do than I thought. Haha! Here are some honorable mentions:
Gene Kelly, Tyrone Power, George Brent, James Dean, Don Ameche, Humphrey Bogart, Frank Sinatra, Peter Lawford, Franchot Tone, Robert Young, and Montgomery Clift

*I'm going to try reallllly hard to post my favorite actresses soon! 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Here are a few of my favorite things... PART ONE

Whatever sort of mood I'm in I can say without a doubt that these songs always remain a favorite for me. I try not to stick to really one genre or era but I really do have a soft spot for 60's and 80's music. So here are just a few of my favorite songs. :) Hope you all enjoy!

"With a Girl like You"- The Troggs

"Tenderness" - General Public

"Time after Time" - Cyndi Lauper

"Help Me Rhonda" - The Beach Boys

"Come on Eileen" - Dexy's Midnight Runners

"Everywhere" - Fleetwood Mac

"Teresa" - Eddie Cochran

"My Guy" - Mary Wells

"Be My Baby" - The Ronettes

"Isn't This a Lovely Day" - Fred Astaire

"The Wanderer" - Dion

"And I Love Her" - The Beatles

"Don't Worry Baby" - The Beach Boys

"You Can Call Me Al" - Paul Simon

"Fakin' It" - Simon & Garfunkel

"Hold Me" - Fleetwood Mac

Friday, May 9, 2014

Mitzi Gaynor is Lovely.

Be sure to catch on TCM a Mitzi Gaynor movie marathon. Some of the films include "The Joker is Wild" and "Les Girls' For a complete list of her films showing on TCM go to for more details

Friday, April 25, 2014

Oh Me! Oh My! Jeffrey Lynn movies airing on TCM!! Count me in!

 TCM will be airing a few of Jeffrey Lynn's films within the next couple of months. These films aren't usually on TCM that much but they are interesting and fun to watch.

MAY 16th: My Love Came Back(1940) stars Olivia De Havilland, Jeffrey Lynn, Charles Winniger, Eddie Albert, and Jane Wyman. Quirky romantic comedy about a young violinist who falls in love with a young business manager.

June 6th : Law of the Tropics (1941) stars Constance Bennett and Jeffrey Lynn. I'm not giving away information about this movie because it's just soooooo ridiculous! Just watch it for Jeffrey's bizarre mustache. ;)

June 11th: A Child is Born(1940) stars Geraldine Fitzgerald and Jeffrey Lynn. A convict is about to give birth to her child in a maternity ward where she feels she doesn't belong.

July 4th: The Fighting 69th(1940) stars James Cagney, Pat O' Brien, Dennis Morgan, and Jeffrey Lynn. One of my favorite films about the war! You definitely need to check it out!