Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Oh Hello Again

So I haven't blogged on here for a couple of years now and to be completely honest I didn't really miss it all that much. There would be a time here and there that I would think "gosh wouldn't it be great to write something on my blog!" but then I just drop the idea. I wanted to write about something that is very important to me and I haven't completely told everyone about. I have depression and anxiety and literally every day is a battle with myself (even on medications, it can still be a struggle!) Nearly a year ago an incident happened to me that triggered my depression and anxiety into a further tailspin. Most days I'm fine but then I think of what happened to me and I'm right back at square one. The reason I'm writing this now is because I want everyone out there who is struggling with ANY mental health issue to know it will be okay. Now I can't promise that you'll be happy go lucky every single day of your life once your diagnosed but you will feel better knowing it and you are definitely not alone in this fight.

I first realized I was depressed when I was being home-schooled from the 6th grade onto 12th. As much as I appreciated being home-schooled, it also put a huge dent in my life. I was secluded from socializing with the outside world and when I finally did do it I began to panic and freak out. "There is no way these people like me! I'm not like them! I'll never fit in!" These thoughts would constantly run through my head as a teenager and also it didn't help that I have ADD. 

So as you can imagine I really knocked myself down for pretty much everything. I didn't fully acknowledge that I was struggling with depression or anxiety until a couple of years back, when I was a teenager I was at a Cracker Barrel with my family and all of a sudden I went into a panic and started crying. I honestly thought a couple of teenagers were talking about me and went into a frenzy. That was my first and definitely not my last panic attack. I've had quite a few since then but it isn't about how many I've had but how I can deal with the situation when I'm having the panic attack. I've actually gotten much better. Last month I was doing the MS walk with my Mom and almost had one when I saw my old manager but I contained the attack and walked away from having it. 

Another huge downside to having depression is I have said a lot of hurtful and dumb things to people I care about. I've damaged friendships over my selfish remarks and for that I'm truly sorry to anyone and everyone that I've ever hurt. I shouldn't have treated anyone the way I have. I really have that insert foot in mouth issue. I can't and won't let my depression and anxiety create rifts between my family and friends any longer. Yes I get upset and angry more than the average person but I can and will beat the negativity and grow from it. 

The purpose of this post is let everyone out there struggling that it is okay I promise. I have often thought of giving up and just ending it all. I can happily say those thoughts are gone but there will be days where I feel like giving up could be an option and I'll tell myself HELL NO! KEEP FIGHTING!!! 


KC said...

Sounds like a terribly difficult journey you are on. The mind is such a messy mystery isn't it? Very brave of you to share your story. I'm sure it will help others. It's certainly helped me to understand anxiety and depression better, and I think that counts for something too. Keep up the fight!

Terence Towles Canote said...

I am so glad that you shared this. Depression and other mental disorders are still poorly understood by the average person and there is a stigma attached to them. Society really need to change its attitudes to depression and mental disorders! My brother suffers from bipolar disorder and has always been very open about it in an effort to a.) help others with biploar disorder and b.) help the average person understand mental disorders. I'm not ashamed to admit I went through an adjustment disorder several years ago. I think the more people who share about having depression, the more people will be helped and the more the general public will understand. I am very proud of you for posting this and, as always, you have my very best wishes.

Sarah Mann said...

Girl! Thanks so much for writing this. You are awesome and so inspiring!! <3 <3

Kendra said...

So glad you shared this. Thank you for your bravery in writing!